Saturday, April 23, 2005
Well folks, I have been cutting back on my writing lately. I haven’t felt good about most of my recent posts. They did not, in any way, mirror the concepts I was trying to get down. I felt I had lost my clarity and was not seeing a lucid thesis in any my work. Most of the blame is on being pulled in too many directions with my long work hours. I decided to post less frequently until I felt like my posts would better reveal my thoughts. Now they are “but poor reflections in a mirror”. Until then I will still read my comments everyday, and greatly appreciate them. I will just be posting less often until the time comes that I feel my ability to clearly portray my thoughts has returned. Here is one for you in the mean time. Hope you enjoy! God unveils latest art piece
God, creator and supreme ruler of the universe, unveiled her latest artwork on Monday at an underpass in Chicago. Jehovah, or God as she prefers to be called now, released the work to the public with no press release, but the artwork was quickly discovered by local fans who began flocking to the event quoting God’s earlier works and being a bit reminiscent of Star wars fans standing outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre.
A local boy Timmy, who has been saved by a collie on numerous occasions, noted that he could have drawn a better likeness. Fans where quick to reply that critics were missing the entire point of the art piece. “God is currently in her abstract period where she is contrasting with her more heavy handed work of a few thousand years ago. Audiences are smarter and more sophisticated today and God knows that. She is creating mystery art that keeps that audience guessing. Is it a message from God or a stain on an underpass? Is it really the Virgin Mary? This is more fun for everyone involved. This is one of God’s most brilliant works.” Said Pierre de Gaulle, author of “A Gay Man’s guide to God’s Art”. “This is even more spectacular than her chiseling of Mary on the tortilla chip, a world renown piece that redefined art as we know it.”
Critics expect more in the Virgin Mary Series from God. Mary, a former illicit lover of God and also her mother, has figured prominently in most of her latest works. Judging from God’s past work, she likes to stay with one style for long periods, then quickly shift to a new style. God, a misunderstood artist known for her mercurial nature has at times promised to destroy the entire earth in a scene fit for the opening of Hitchhiker. Fans say God can be a bit trying, but as long as you follow her demands she is actually very loving.
Satirical author ElvenSarah has another view of the painting. “Oh, so that’s what Mary’s vulva looks like” Said Sarah, who demands everyone pretend she is an elf. “God seems to really have a thing for genitals, I mean, she put them on half the things she created!” I think God has just finally discovered she is a lesbian and is revealing that in her art.”
God could not be reached for comment.
And now, for something completely different.
Elvensarah Tells the Future:Scene one done in Family Guy-Esque animation. Two cockroaches with British accents have morning coffee at their dinner table.
Roach1 [reading the newspaper] So scientists uncovered more of those giant two legged creatures that roamed the earth millions of years ago. Seems they didn’t have exoskeletons, just soft fleshy skin.
Roach2: That’s disgusting. I’m trying to eat breakfast here.
Roach1: Oh, I didn’t know we had any rotting insect salad left. I think I will have some of that.
Posted at 03:32 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, February 27, 2005
ElvenSarah: Proud participitant of the 1797 XYZ Affair
Whoa, I'm being told if I do not post by midnight tonight, my life is in danger. It has been a while. I feel like I am living my life holding down the fast forward button. I can’t seem to enjoy anything since I am waiting for my life to be perfect. During the week I tell myself that I will have time to do everything during the weekend then the weekend hits and I tell myself I will have more time next month. I find myself in the next month and it goes from there. I’m still learning to enjoy the moment. I hope you all enjoy these brain exercises.
On Morals and Relativity
Morals are relative. Let me explain my position. I hear often how good and bad are clearly defined immutable truths and if something is good it is always good and vise-versa. This just isn’t the case folks. Let’s take a look at a few laws from the ten commandments.
Do not lie:
Looks like a good law to me. I agree that if we could never trust anyone to tell the truth, life would (is) very confusing. Those who are found to lie at the expense of others should be publicly noted as doing so. There are times though when I believe it is the moral thing to lie.
Imagine this scenario. You are in Germany during Hitler’s rule. Armed patrols are out searching for Jews so they can be taken to prison camps. A soldier knocks on your door and asks if you have seen any Jews. Should you (a) Lie and say no. (b) tell the truth and say yes, we have Corrie Ten Boom in our attic. If you said A, then you believe that the ten commandments should not always be followed. I’m sure you can think of scenarios when killing, stealing, and just about anything can be justified under certain situations.
Mysticism is currently, and always has been, very popular. Religions are big everywhere. Television is filled with shows like Charmed, cartoons like Dragonball Z having characters with mana and superpowers, and people who can see the future or solve crimes with telepathy or psychic powers. It’s all very cool. It’s cool to make things seem mystical even when they are probably not. Anyone who doesn’t have a religion still says they are “Spiritual but not religious”, whatever the hell that means. (Seriously I see this everywhere. It is even an option on the blogdrive profile. Can anyone tell me what it means?) Wouldn’t we all love to wake up one day with a super power. We would be famous and would have a great advantage over everyone else. Maybe we can wake up one day and find out we are in the matrix. That would explain why everything is so bad. We just have to realize it and gain our super powers. We can be the saviour of all, or if you prefer, be saved by a saviour.
There is a reason it is called supernatural. Supernatural means it cannot happen in nature. If it does happen in nature (IE you experience it) then it is not supernatural; it is a natural thing we have not cataloged yet. I’m sure there are plenty of these things, but I am not jumping in front of a train holding a rabbits foot and hoping a whispy alien saves me.
Iran, again declaring its “One True Religion” as the only way to live, has sentenced more women to 100 lashes. Their crime you ask? They had sex. They may have been raped. One of them was a girl her mother sold to be a sex slave and was forced to be a prostitute. Anyway I am sure it was her fault. Either was she broke God’s law.
Bloggers who have spoken out against the Iranian Government have been jailed. A government that must silence its people has much to hide. We wouldn’t want people to decide that theocracy isn’t all that great.
The us only club
Apparently the reason the bible is so kooky, and makes no sense to us non-believers is that it requires the Holy Spirit to really understand what it is saying. My question is ff there was a building burning, would your write a book that only those outside the building understood like jesus has? The answer is found in Mark 4:10 “He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12so that, “ ‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’”Deep thought of the Day: Do you ever think god wonders why he has a penis?
I was told by a Christian that it is very wrong to call God a female, or even to describe God in a non-gender form. My question then becomes, what is god doing with this thing other than impregnating Mary? Obviously there are no other Gods he is boinking in the heavens.
Quote of the day: Isaiah 2: “In the last days. . . . He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore.”
On your way out, please vote at my Debate
Posted at 10:28 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Well, I've received the necessary 30 comments on my previous entry so it's time for another! As an update on my previous post, I found another one of those creatures, this time dead in a spider web. I evicted the spider and saved the leaf-bug guy in a small container. It’s quite mummified though and appears to have already been a meal for the spider. Now I just need to find someone to give it to who will know what it is.Save Sarah!
Think you can re-convert me in a fair fight? I’ve set up a debate blog to give a chance to have a real debate between a Christian and me. No, I don’t have time for it, but it is something I would really like to do. When I started listed out my reasons to believe in Christianity, and I had them all fleshed out on paper, I began to see that none of them were very good, and most of them could be claimed by many other religions as well. You can read it and comment here.
Maybe it will take off, I don’t know. In any case, I wish people would all think about why they believe what they believe.
Really it doesn’t matter, since even if I do become a Christian again, Jesus won’t forgive me and let me into heaven since I called the Holy Spirit fat. Luke 12:10 “And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.” Oh well. Since there is no way I can get into heaven now, I might as well make the most out of it. If you will excuse me, I have some people to kill. Fear of Change
Evolution is a bad word if you are a Christian. Before I was old enough to fully understand procreation, I knew evolution was false. You see, in the bible things don’t evolve, they are created by God. The languages of the earth came about when God created them all at the tower of Babel. Genesis 11:1 “Now the whole world had one common language and a common speech.” Languages don’t evolve, that is absurd. The different skin colors of humans, well those all came about from Noah’s sons. All the species in existence today and all those that have gone extinct were all present on Noah’s ark. They all lived there a month with all the food and environmental needs necessary for their survival. A fish that can walk and breathe airMale fish begin to produce eggsFear of Death
I’ve had a tough time eating healthy now that I know I will life forever. According to this man
humans will no longer die of old age starting as soon as 20 years from now. I’m sure that eventually we will master the genetic code and extend our lives enormously, though I am very skeptical about the 20 year goal. I’m still waiting for my flying car. Anyway I’m sure the bible is right. In Genesis 6:20, God decides it was a stupid idea for him to create humans, so he makes it impossible for them to live past 120. That will teach them. Broken Promises:
Ephesians 6: 2“Honor your father and mother”–which is the first commandment with a promise– 3“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
No reason to cry for the 30,000 children who died in the tsunami. They were all breaking God’s commandment and were clearly bad children. If they had obeyed their parents, they would have not died so young. Don’t even get me started on babies who are aborted. They must have been very evil to die that young. I will pray for you
Christianity is the epitome of laziness. One of the reasons it does so well in America is that it offers an easy way to blow off people in need. “Let’s pray for those people in need.” Do you think you will change God’s mind on the situation? God: “Well it was in my divine and perfect plan to send this person to hell, but since you asked, I guess I will allow them to find the way to heaven”. Try this next time someone is in need: Getting off your ass and actually helping them.
The year of cock is upon us. Hope you all enjoy it.
Gwen Stefani – What you waiting for?
Posted at 09:56 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Bugs, Banners and Blog links
I think I may have found a new form of life, and it is in my kitchen. It has visited twice now; both times after rain. It shows up in the evening and is always gone by morning. I was able to snap a few photos but they look more like grainy spy satellite images or video footage of a cigar shaped UFO. My camera is not very good and this creature is relatively small. Anyone out there know what it is?
It looks like a small leaf or bark from a tree. At first glance that is what I thought it was; something that I had tracked in from the wet sidewalk.
I noticed some movement and thought the air from the vent was blowing on it. A closer inspection revealed that it was self-propelled. It was dragging itself, very slowly, by some kind of suction device, or more likely, a hook.
This hook was retractable, like a turtle's head, and went in quickly when I moved in front of it. The movement was reminiscent of an inchworm. It would throw the soft forward portion of its body forward, then drag the much larger portion behind it. The velocity of the creature was very slow. I imagine the only thing it could ever catch would be a snail, so it is likely a herbivore or scavenger that eats dead flesh. Affiliates: Friends and Fans
Have you a link to me on your blog/website? If so, I would like to link back to you! Hey, it's only fair. I will be creating a links section on my side panel sometime before the tropic of cancer is filled with direct rays of sunlight. If you would like to be included please send me an e-mail. I might forget if you merely leave a tag.More Gifts:
Thanks to Christina
, there are now three blinkies to choose from when linking my site. Thanks Christina! Blinkies/Banners are located on the side panel and can be used by anyone. As per Internet etiquette, please save them to your own server. Buying ones and zeros
Any college students or apartment dwellers out there who use a Web laundry system? If so I have a WEB laundry card that has 10+ bucks on it. I'll mail it to you if you would like and then you can send me five bucks or something. I just hate the thought of throwing money away. I have so much crap I need to get rid of. Around 100 christian music CDs which now have no appeal to me, old computer parts, et cetera. Guess I should hit up e-bay.
I have a much more serious article planned that has to deal with something I have been seeing in churches lately. Now that I know christianity is false it really bothers me how many people have been sucked into it and how much influence it has on society. The sheep are getting the wool pulled over their eyes and it is breaking my heart. I'm afraid I am becoming a missionary again; this time for rationalism instead of superstition.
current music: Elgar: Violin Concerto - Lark Ascending
Edit to attract Zoologists: gastropod organism Mollusca phyla Annelida Nematoda Nemertea Platyhelminthes phylum larva Lepidoptera Insecta Digenea fasciola annelid Hirudinea
Posted at 06:29 pm by elvenSarah
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
What's going on in the world today
An industry in India cheers Bush victory
This is a topic I recently got to see up close. My company has shifted all its production to factories outside the US. These past weeks I have been traveling the world to nations with cheap labor to inspect our products at these companies. It looks like this will be something very common in the next few years.
"BANGALORE, India--India's outsourcing companies were jubilant Wednesday that the elections in the United States will return President Bush to office.
"This is great news for the offshoring industry," said Nandan Nilekani, chief executive of Infosys Technologies, a software services company. The trend toward outsourcing will now become even more inexorable, Nilekani said."
Bible gives value to human life:
The LORD said to Moses, "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'If anyone makes a special vow to dedicate persons to the LORD by giving equivalent values, set the value of a male between the ages of twenty and sixty at fifty shekels of silver, according to the sanctuary shekel; and if it is a female, set her value at thirty shekels. -Leviticus 27
Watch out Canada!
Leviticus 25:44 "Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.” Thanks God!
Blog gets visit from Secret Service:
The administration decided to send the secret service to this blog after the owner decided to post some disagreeable content. Scary.
A better way to vote
Thank Zarathustra! Someone stole my idea of constituents voting for their three favorite candidates. For some strange reason they feel this should only be done in case of an unclear win, but I think the secondary votes should automatically be tallied and added to the count.
Here is the site
Save me Santa!
I’ve been thanking, what if Santa Clause IS real? What if all these years of not believing in him have just been pissing him off and making him cry? What if he returns on Christmas and says “Oh Sarah, I really wanted to give you gifts this year but you didn’t believe in me. Instead I am going to torture you forever.” That would be sad. I am now urging all of you to believe in Santa. Just believe! It is that easy. I have no proof, but I know one day he will return, soon, and when he does, you will all be sorry you didn’t believe in him and get great gifts. Santa loves you and works year round for your benefit.
Have you accepted Santa in your life today? If so, we want to send you a free packet of information on how Santa would vote in Tuesday’s election. This free packet is available to you for a small love gift of 30 dollars.
Ominous quote of the day
"I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it," President Bush said in his first news briefing since winning re-election
Bush then added, "Heh, that's not a microphone is it?"
Current Music - Christina Aguilera: Fighter
Links to take you on your way:
Mister Neil finds some confederates
Is it possible to change political parties?
Posted at 09:02 pm by elvenSarah
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Where in the World is ElvenSarah? (The all-American Entry)
Well I'm still out of the country, but it has been too long since my last entry so here goes!
God faces renewed "flip-flopping" attacks
This "God" fellow has always seemed shifty to me. Winace has uncovered more policy changes and lies by the icon with multiple personality disorder
Washington, D.C. - Satan, running for re-election as "Prince of this world" (John 14:30), again accused his Democratic opponent Jesus H. Christ of being "Lord of the flip-flops" Thursday.
On the campaign trail, the fallen angel met with legions of fawning Republican supporters. Always a master at public oration, the ancient menace described Jesus--and His running mate, God the Elder--as "out of touch with reality and the people." The Devil continued, running through a laundry list of Biblical contradictions and changes in official positions on the part of the two gods.
"Just look at Their campaign manifesto," declared the incumbent supreme ruler of Earth. "Have you folks even seen more position changes in one tome? I mean, first He, first this bozo wants to create a planet, then He regrets it and wants to destroy it?! You just can't excuse this, like changing your tie after looking in the mirror. This is people's lives we're dealing with, for His sakes!"
Dick Chemosh, the Devil's running mate, hammered home his leader's arguments with an otherworldly charm that stunned even long-time Democrats. "I've advised Dark Lords from Sauron to Satan, and let me be honest for a change: the last time I saw such inconsistency on a politician's part, I was pretending to be patron god of the Moabites. It doesn't end with the Flood. Are Kosher laws a good idea, or aren't they? Is salvation by faith alone (Romans 3:28), or is faith dead without works (James 2:17)? It just goes on and on!"
Among other examples cited by Satan's campaign, alleged inconsistencies on number and location of post-resurrection witnesses (Matthew 28:16, Galilee, vs. all the other gospels, Jerusalem); whether God does (Isaiah 14:21) or doesn't (Deuteronomy 24:16) support capital punishment of descendents for their parents' sins; "The Lord is... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9) vs. "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned" (2 Thessalonians 2:11-12); the differing accounts of creation in Genesis 1 and 2; and hundreds of other "flip-flops."
Fundamentalist Christians immediately logged on the Internet, drawing on centuries of apologetics to explain every single one of these Scriptural anomalies. More moderate believers were unimpressed, and simply denied Satan was attacking Jesus' official campaign manifesto, rejecting Biblical inerrancy and arguing for a variety of more nuanced interpretations.
"This is all very amusing," the Devil roared at his supporters. "Perhaps my opponent--and his followers--just can't keep a story straight... but then, why would you trust Him to rule in my stead?" Vice Prince Chemosh scoffed at the explanations, calling Christian efforts "clever but ultimately unconvincing rationalizations by those committed to believe at any cost." He grinned slyly as he added that, "for an omnipotent being, an unusual number of God's plans--like the global cleansing of evil via deluge--have been thwarted." He argued, and cited his own campaign to prove his point, that God's leadership in the War on Rebellion would be incompetent, exposing us to supernatural attack from other dimensions.
Scandalous revelations surfaced Tuesday when LordCo Centre WaterMocassins, shoes that inflate and allow the wearer to walk on water, were photographed in the closet of Jesus' Democratic Party Headquarters. Satan immediately went on the attack, hinting that the Messiah staged his most famous miracle.
Expert opinion on their authenticity was divided; Democratic analysts took issue with "the fact WaterMocassins were only invented in August 2004," but Republicans retorted time travel would be easy for God. St. Peter, campaign spokesman for the Messiah, vigorously denied the fraud charges, accusing Satan of "[an] embarrassing Photoshop job" on what he called "obviously doctored pictures." Chemosh joked "Well lookie here, He even wears flip-flops!"
"And its eyes were like lightning fires... She cast it away from her, outside that place, that no one of the immortal ones might see it, for she had created it in ignorance....And she called his name Yaltabaoth..."
- excerpt from the Shifty Gnostics advertisement, quoted from the extra-Biblical Apocryphon of John
Analysts agree that Christ's campaign, already suffering in the polls from prior accusations of dishonesty, can hardly afford to ignore these claims. This controversy comes on the heels of a now-infamous TV ad produced by a group calling itself "Shifty Gnostic Heretics for Truth." The ad, produced by a non-mainstream Christian sect from the same continent and millenium as Jesus, claims that contrary to His assertions, He never served as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, but was a bastardized and sociopathic creation of an entity that did. The Shifty Gnostics accuse Jesus Christ--and his alterego, YHWH--of being the illegitimate offspring of the real God and his often overlooked consort, Sophia.
Reaction across the mainstream Christian world was decidedly negative. Pope John Paul II, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I (spiritual leader of the world's Orthodox Christians), Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and a bunch of nutcases no one cares about like Jerry Falwell issued a press release. They condemned the ad, calling it "One of the reasons we regret the Inquisition ever ended." They objected that none of the Shifty Gnostics, or their ancient leaders, were even in contact with Jesus during his earthly ministry. Even Muslims joined in the fray, issuing a Fatwa against Satan, who is suspected of helping orchestrate and/or financing the Gnostic attack. The ancient deceiver laughed off their solemn condemnation, saying "What are they gonna do, blow up a spirit?"
Jesus himself vehemently denied the ad's accusations, saying that His birth records--had they survived Jerusalem's destruction at the hands of the Romans in 70 AD--would put to rest all doubts about His ancestry. Representatives of the mysterious Gnostics were skeptical, and considered that "too convenient an excuse."
, known for granting graphical gifts to the weary blogdrive user, has made a blinkie for me! Feel free to use it. Thanks Push!
Excuses, Spies, and Election advice from abroad
Some information came my way that hinted at family members stumbling across my blog. That is why I was holding off posting for a while. I decided what was done was done and was all ready to post more, and then my company calls me to do some work outside the US. My travels where unexpected and will keep me from voting on Tuesday. Do me a favor and vote for your favorite candidate who is not a religious fanatic. Religious wars should not be the hallmark of humanity.
"I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol." -General Boykin
Posted at 08:25 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, October 03, 2004
What would it take for you to say that your holy book was not the inerrant word of God? Let's look at a few scenarios:
1. Someone showed you a direct contradiction. E.G. Purple is evil and Purple is holy. Now if I told you that your holy book said this, you would automatically begin to find a way to dismiss this, and you would accept whatever excuse was given to you, no matter how bad the reasoning. Purple is holy unless you elevate it above god, then it is evil. "It doesn't make sense to us, because god is wiser than us." "God put that in there to test our faith." Excuses such as these can and have covered anything written in holybooks. When you are in war, your side is always right. Yes, you are both killing, but your side is killing to save innocent people. Hate is blinding, but when you drop the hate, and seek the truth you can see all sides with no bias. That is not possible while you are still defending your way of life. Here is a contradiction from a popular holybook in my country. Do you take a staff or not?
Mark 6:8 "These were his instructions: 'Take nothing for the journey except a staff-no bread, no bag, no money in your belts."
Luke 9:3 "He told them: "Take nothing for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no extra tunic."
2. God came down from heaven and revealed the correct holy book and told you to follow it. You had been wrong.
"That wasn't god, that was satan. The bible says satan is beautiful and that is why that creature was so beautiful and powerful. That was satan trying to confuse us. God said in our book that we have the one true religion." You see, when you believe that it cannot be wrong, it won't be. When something is the standard of truth, it will never be wrong. You must first start with a level playing field, and then decide what is right. Starting off with an a priori belief and then investigating is merely self-fulfillment. You will see what you tell yourself to see.
Today's bible verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:21 "Test everything. Hold on to the good." There is some wisdom in that book.
Do you really believe?
Here is an interactive question. Imagine you have contracted a deadly disease. There is a cure, maybe an antibiotic, that will heal you. Do you take it, or do you pray and trust that if god wants you sick you will remain sick, and he will heal you if that is his plan? Is medicine circumventing god's will in your life? Before you answer that Luke, a friend of Jesus was a doctor, keep in mind that Luke never prescribed antibiotics. Also keep in mind that Jesus was close to prostitutes as well. That doesn't make prostitution right does it?
Here is something easier for you. You have a cold. Would you rather have someone pray for you, or would you rather have the cold medicine? The bible says you can trample snakes, yet you fear snakes. The bible says you will have bliss after you die, yet you fear death. There are those who really do believe though, they are called martyrs. Many Muslims truly have faith. Faith is the evidence of things unseen; remember? If that is the case, maybe the Muslims are right.
I would like to present a challenge. It is the one the prophet Elijah presented to the people to prove which god is more powerful. God enjoys the smell of burning things. He says so many times in the bible. Elijah knew this and used it to his advantage. Two altars were set up, both with wood and a bull placed upon them. Elijah bet that his god would send fire down from heaven and light his sacrifice and the god Baal would not be able to do so. He knew god would do this to prove to the people that he had all the power.
Any of you who believe your god can do this I challenge you. Can your god do this? Let me use the taunts that Elijah used: "Shout louder.... maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened."
So I bought a modem for my new apartment. I ordered it from New York. I am not in New York and it took nearly two weeks to get here. I finally get the thing set up after fighting with my cable company. (My former cable company never made me jump through so many hoops) I use the modem for about two weeks and it dies. By the time I trouble shoot it and find out it is indeed the modem, then get around to sending it back, it is day 31 of the 30 day warranty. The store will not take it back. I leave messages for Netgear, the modem manufacturer, and they refuse to get back to me. Netgear has pissed me off. I should have bought a Motorola in the first place. Just some advice for all of you. I have stacks of old computer parts. Most are too old to donate to anyone, but I hate throwing away a good motherboard. Such is life.
Well I am off to go see if my altar has been set ablaze yet by my god. Not sure who my god is, I guess whoever sets this thing on fire. I'll let you know when it happens. I have my marshmallows ready. Hey, put down that lighting rod! Cheaters.
Churches with lightning rods are showing a lack of faith
Posted at 10:14 pm by elvenSarah
Saturday, September 25, 2004
ElvenSarah reaches 6666; numerologist has spontaneous orgasm
1. Horny Christian teens find way to date heathen guys
Dating to Save People from Hell is one of the funniest sites I have seen all day. Anyone can be a missionary!
"Jesus told us to reach the "outermost parts of the world." I mean, I'm not going to fly to Kenya and date some guy who eats worms, but I think for me, "outermost parts of the world" means all the hot guys that live around me here in Fremont, California."
This has got to be satire; at least I hope it is. If not then it is probably the saddest thing I have seen all day.
2. Jaw dropping feat of medical science
Scientists in Germany grew a new jaw for a man who had his removed due to cancer. This was possible through the use of stem cells, meaning that here in the US, we cannot complete such a procedure. Just to be clear, no babies where hurt harvesting the stem cells; they came from the patient’s own body. Modern luddites, also known as the religious right, have associated stem cells with horrible pictures of baby harvests. That is just not the case. Read the story here.
3. Science lessons from the bible
How to make a sheep striped (Genesis 30:25-43)
In today’s lessons from the bible, we learn how to make polka-dot wool. The secret, according to ancient wisdom, is to have your sheep look at stripes while they mate. If they do this, their offspring will have stripes! So that explains it. So many great things in this book.
While you are reading this chapter you may also notice verse 27 says you can use divination to see if God loves you and is going to make you rich. For those of you unfamiliar with divination, this is the practice of reading anything from palms, tea leaves, animal entrails, etc. Now go at it!
Flat Earth Society
Apparently the world is flat and if you say differently then you are ignoring the evidence otherwise. This ancient wisdom is taken from the prophet Daniel 4:11 "The tree grew large and strong and its top touched the sky; it was visible to the ends of the earth.” Oh come on Sarah the Elven, that is obviously an analogy. Exactly, it is an analogy that only works with a flat earth! Why is god passing on information to humans that makes them believe the earth is flat? Shouldn’t god use an analogy that actually supports the truth? Later we have Satan showing Jesus all the kindoms of the world, from a really tall mountain. Another analogy? Is anything in this book actually a true story?
http://members.aol.com/jalw/flat_earth.html (Many additional pages of interest on this site. I’m happy to say I have actually met this man)
4. Porn Star or My Little Pony?
What were the creators of MLP thinking? Take a break from that heavy reading and researching and read this page. Also some more humorous t-shirts.
5. You too can work at the Elven Factory!
I worked until 2 am Friday. We need more employees and the big bosses know that. If you are looking for a job, this is your shot. We are hiring computer test engineers for our Quality Assurance Lab. Here are the qualifications:
Must have at least a four year degree in closely related field
Must have thorough knowledge of computers
Must not be an asshole.
No exceptions. Send me your resume if you are interested.
6. I’m healed!
Oh, was I ever sick last week. I was reading a blog by a guy with a sinus infection and I caught it. Must be more careful out there. Anyway I prayed to my pet rock and I am now feeling great! Pet rock never lets me down. Every time I have been sick I have gotten over it thanks to pet rock. I pray to pet rock before I go on car trips and just look, I have never died in a car accident thanks to pet rock. I have never died at all! Pet rock always answers all my prayers with yes, no, or later. Sometimes pet rock says no, but I am fine with that, since pet rock obviously knows best. I have always come through with its wisdom. Where would I be without my pet rock? Why would you deny the power of pet rock, you big meany!
7! 7! Oh god 7!
Wealthy King has orgy with 1000 woman. A wealthy Mediterranean king has completed a search for 1000 of the most attractive women in the world. The women will be part of his permanent harem that will ensure all his sexual needs are met. In return, the women will be allowed to live in his palace free of rent. The entire group is also a big fan of giant penis poles. One author, who calls himself “God”, claims this king is the wisest man to EVER live. Read more at 1 Kings 11:1-3.
Was it good for you?
Posted at 10:08 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Loosing my Family (Matthew 10:34)
My family visited last weekend. It may be the last time I EVER see them on good terms. You see, there is this book that was written long ago. I read it and realized it was fiction. They, on the other hand, are part of a cult that is based on a particular interpretation of the book. There are many of these groups, each believing they are the one reading the book correctly. The one thing all the groups have in common is a belief that any other book that does not call their book perfect, is out to destroy the world. Well, the book is not perfect.
Imagine the worst thing you could tell your family; something so bad that they will be horrified. They will scream, cry, be ashamed of you. The absolute worst thing I can tell my family is that I am no longer a christian. So why tell them you ask? Because I do not want to live a lie for the rest of their lives. I do not want to continue to promote what I believe to be morally reprehensible. In a family that is this fanatical, they know about your religious involvement. They ask where I am going to church. They ask about my walk with God. They ask about my point of view on subjects and want me to nod in agreement when they talk about the superiority of their religion. I cannot continue to go to church every week, clapping my hands at the charlatan on stage, and spending my time and money on something I do not believe in. It is killing me, but leaving will kill the relationship with my family and many of my friends. It may also kill my mother. It should not come down to this. Oh how it angers me that our religious society has set up this trap for my family. It will be absolutely terrible, but maybe I can pull a few persons to reason through it all. With such a great cost it is not wonder more people do not leave this institution. It is my hope that the next generation does not have to endure this crime against humanity. Fanaticism kills.
Ugh, Politics: A perspective from a fed up layman
I watched part of the republican convention and after vomiting up my stomach I asked myself, "Why do we need a president anyway". Having one person (man) in charge of an entire nation and being the mouthpiece for everyone seems absurd. Why not have a more complete representation of the populous? Any idea that cannot be decided by a national vote, should be decided by vote of an elected body. We already have this in place with congress, and it does offer more balance than the office of president. One nut jub gets elected and it can really fuck up the nation and world. One nut job out of 100 has less power. Of course I also have problems with our congress, but that is for another discussion.
Our system needs much reform. It has evolved greatly since 1776. One thing we must change is the way we nominate and elect individuals and the party system. We must elect our officials on a national level. One vote should be worth the same no matter what state you live in. The electoral college system was meant to protect us from the dumb populous but it does no such thing. In fact if it did, then why the hell would we vote anyway? I have ranted on that before so let's move to finance reform. (Remember, I wanted to get actual information on candidates such as voting records, written declarations on where they stand, etc instead of just a simple Dem/Rep)
Finance reform ideas: 1. All donations should be anonymous to the recipient. That way not one can be bought. Our leaders can not be puppets to the rich. Strict penalties must be in place for any candidate who willfully attempts to find who is supporting him/her. (Damn I hate gender-based pronouns) It should also be illegal for anyone to notify an official that they have donated money. 2. Money not specifically raised for a campaign should not be given to a party. That means the stock I purchase in a company should not be going to support a party. If the people who profit from that stock or corporation wish to donate then that is fine. Individuals should be the only entity that can vote and support a candidate. 3. A cap on campaign spending must be in place. It should not be a competition on who can dump the most money into advertising.
Lil Ms Drama dug up some hilarious bumper stickers. I've had a few ideas for my own as well so I started a cafe press account and will add some when I get time and get paintshop installed on my machine again. I don't want to try to design something with M$ paint. One of the ideas I had for a shirt will be a bit esoteric. The nerds may like it though: RAID 1 SAVES
On a completely unrelated TMI note
Why does the end of summer make me so horny! I'm crawling out of my skin here. Geez.
Erotica of the week:
Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. - Ezekiel 23
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.
Song of Solomon 7
A loving doe, a graceful deer-
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
This week's memory Verse:
"If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it." (Malachi 2:2-3)
Current Music: Delerium Featuring Sarah McLachlan: Silence
Let's hear from you
Posted at 07:30 pm by elvenSarah
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Doctor: There is no pulse. Charge the defibrillator!
Sarah Violently fills her lungs with any air unfortunate enough to be near her, looks up with a wry smile on her face and exclaims, "I'm back!".
Dear Winston, thank you for the beautiful gift
The author of The Misapplied Criminal Mind
has heard my cries and took it upon himself to correct the situation. No, he didn't tape my mouth shut. He made a linky banner for me! Feel free to use it.
Thank God for Air Conditioning!
God announced today in a press release that he has invented air conditioning. Reversing an earlier statement proclaiming everything good, God accepted responsibility for the scorching summer heat. "I realized that this was my bad, and I needed to do something about it, so I set off to find a way to bring cool air to my beloved pets. A short four thousand years later I thought up air conditioning. Well, actually I thought it up some time ago, but got sidetracked on releasing it. Again my bad."
A reporter from ElvenSarah tried to ask God why he didn't just change the climate, but was only able to get his answering machine.
The Gallery of God
(Soon to be HTMLized on its own page. [crosses fingers])
God in an undated campaign photo
God: Halloween, 1987
God Visits Asia (It had been a while)
God Guest starred in the Movie The Ten Commandments. This is an outtake from when the director was telling him how to stand.
Every December, God gets festive and dresses up like Santa. He enjoys the irony.
God Circa 1840
How the Heck did they do that? No matter, let's see how they like SARS.
God chats it up with the tribulation clan men, confirming that we are indeed in the end times.
Young God in his Lab
God reenacts 2 kings 2: 23-24 with the Mcmorris kids.
Wow, I have been busy folks. I was thinking about creating a blog called "The Corporate Life" after all the crazy things that have happened to me in the last two months, thanks to my job, but I need to work on updating this one first. :) Hope to have a real entry soon! Thanks for reading.
Current food: Cheerios with organic milk and Naked Juice: Superfood Green Machine
(It's my veggies)
Posted at 09:24 pm by elvenSarah