Saturday, October 30, 2004
Where in the World is ElvenSarah? (The all-American Entry)
Well I'm still out of the country, but it has been too long since my last entry so here goes!
God faces renewed "flip-flopping" attacks
This "God" fellow has always seemed shifty to me. Winace has uncovered more policy changes and lies by the icon with multiple personality disorder
Washington, D.C. - Satan, running for re-election as "Prince of this world" (John 14:30), again accused his Democratic opponent Jesus H. Christ of being "Lord of the flip-flops" Thursday.
On the campaign trail, the fallen angel met with legions of fawning Republican supporters. Always a master at public oration, the ancient menace described Jesus--and His running mate, God the Elder--as "out of touch with reality and the people." The Devil continued, running through a laundry list of Biblical contradictions and changes in official positions on the part of the two gods.
"Just look at Their campaign manifesto," declared the incumbent supreme ruler of Earth. "Have you folks even seen more position changes in one tome? I mean, first He, first this bozo wants to create a planet, then He regrets it and wants to destroy it?! You just can't excuse this, like changing your tie after looking in the mirror. This is people's lives we're dealing with, for His sakes!"
Dick Chemosh, the Devil's running mate, hammered home his leader's arguments with an otherworldly charm that stunned even long-time Democrats. "I've advised Dark Lords from Sauron to Satan, and let me be honest for a change: the last time I saw such inconsistency on a politician's part, I was pretending to be patron god of the Moabites. It doesn't end with the Flood. Are Kosher laws a good idea, or aren't they? Is salvation by faith alone (Romans 3:28), or is faith dead without works (James 2:17)? It just goes on and on!"
Among other examples cited by Satan's campaign, alleged inconsistencies on number and location of post-resurrection witnesses (Matthew 28:16, Galilee, vs. all the other gospels, Jerusalem); whether God does (Isaiah 14:21) or doesn't (Deuteronomy 24:16) support capital punishment of descendents for their parents' sins; "The Lord is... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9) vs. "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned" (2 Thessalonians 2:11-12); the differing accounts of creation in Genesis 1 and 2; and hundreds of other "flip-flops."
Fundamentalist Christians immediately logged on the Internet, drawing on centuries of apologetics to explain every single one of these Scriptural anomalies. More moderate believers were unimpressed, and simply denied Satan was attacking Jesus' official campaign manifesto, rejecting Biblical inerrancy and arguing for a variety of more nuanced interpretations.
"This is all very amusing," the Devil roared at his supporters. "Perhaps my opponent--and his followers--just can't keep a story straight... but then, why would you trust Him to rule in my stead?" Vice Prince Chemosh scoffed at the explanations, calling Christian efforts "clever but ultimately unconvincing rationalizations by those committed to believe at any cost." He grinned slyly as he added that, "for an omnipotent being, an unusual number of God's plans--like the global cleansing of evil via deluge--have been thwarted." He argued, and cited his own campaign to prove his point, that God's leadership in the War on Rebellion would be incompetent, exposing us to supernatural attack from other dimensions.
Scandalous revelations surfaced Tuesday when LordCo Centre WaterMocassins, shoes that inflate and allow the wearer to walk on water, were photographed in the closet of Jesus' Democratic Party Headquarters. Satan immediately went on the attack, hinting that the Messiah staged his most famous miracle.
Expert opinion on their authenticity was divided; Democratic analysts took issue with "the fact WaterMocassins were only invented in August 2004," but Republicans retorted time travel would be easy for God. St. Peter, campaign spokesman for the Messiah, vigorously denied the fraud charges, accusing Satan of "[an] embarrassing Photoshop job" on what he called "obviously doctored pictures." Chemosh joked "Well lookie here, He even wears flip-flops!"
"And its eyes were like lightning fires... She cast it away from her, outside that place, that no one of the immortal ones might see it, for she had created it in ignorance....And she called his name Yaltabaoth..."
- excerpt from the Shifty Gnostics advertisement, quoted from the extra-Biblical Apocryphon of John
Analysts agree that Christ's campaign, already suffering in the polls from prior accusations of dishonesty, can hardly afford to ignore these claims. This controversy comes on the heels of a now-infamous TV ad produced by a group calling itself "Shifty Gnostic Heretics for Truth." The ad, produced by a non-mainstream Christian sect from the same continent and millenium as Jesus, claims that contrary to His assertions, He never served as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, but was a bastardized and sociopathic creation of an entity that did. The Shifty Gnostics accuse Jesus Christ--and his alterego, YHWH--of being the illegitimate offspring of the real God and his often overlooked consort, Sophia.
Reaction across the mainstream Christian world was decidedly negative. Pope John Paul II, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I (spiritual leader of the world's Orthodox Christians), Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and a bunch of nutcases no one cares about like Jerry Falwell issued a press release. They condemned the ad, calling it "One of the reasons we regret the Inquisition ever ended." They objected that none of the Shifty Gnostics, or their ancient leaders, were even in contact with Jesus during his earthly ministry. Even Muslims joined in the fray, issuing a Fatwa against Satan, who is suspected of helping orchestrate and/or financing the Gnostic attack. The ancient deceiver laughed off their solemn condemnation, saying "What are they gonna do, blow up a spirit?"
Jesus himself vehemently denied the ad's accusations, saying that His birth records--had they survived Jerusalem's destruction at the hands of the Romans in 70 AD--would put to rest all doubts about His ancestry. Representatives of the mysterious Gnostics were skeptical, and considered that "too convenient an excuse."
, known for granting graphical gifts to the weary blogdrive user, has made a blinkie for me! Feel free to use it. Thanks Push!
Excuses, Spies, and Election advice from abroad
Some information came my way that hinted at family members stumbling across my blog. That is why I was holding off posting for a while. I decided what was done was done and was all ready to post more, and then my company calls me to do some work outside the US. My travels where unexpected and will keep me from voting on Tuesday. Do me a favor and vote for your favorite candidate who is not a religious fanatic. Religious wars should not be the hallmark of humanity.
"I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol." -General Boykin
Posted at 08:25 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, October 03, 2004
What would it take for you to say that your holy book was not the inerrant word of God? Let's look at a few scenarios:
1. Someone showed you a direct contradiction. E.G. Purple is evil and Purple is holy. Now if I told you that your holy book said this, you would automatically begin to find a way to dismiss this, and you would accept whatever excuse was given to you, no matter how bad the reasoning. Purple is holy unless you elevate it above god, then it is evil. "It doesn't make sense to us, because god is wiser than us." "God put that in there to test our faith." Excuses such as these can and have covered anything written in holybooks. When you are in war, your side is always right. Yes, you are both killing, but your side is killing to save innocent people. Hate is blinding, but when you drop the hate, and seek the truth you can see all sides with no bias. That is not possible while you are still defending your way of life. Here is a contradiction from a popular holybook in my country. Do you take a staff or not?
Mark 6:8 "These were his instructions: 'Take nothing for the journey except a staff-no bread, no bag, no money in your belts."
Luke 9:3 "He told them: "Take nothing for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no extra tunic."
2. God came down from heaven and revealed the correct holy book and told you to follow it. You had been wrong.
"That wasn't god, that was satan. The bible says satan is beautiful and that is why that creature was so beautiful and powerful. That was satan trying to confuse us. God said in our book that we have the one true religion." You see, when you believe that it cannot be wrong, it won't be. When something is the standard of truth, it will never be wrong. You must first start with a level playing field, and then decide what is right. Starting off with an a priori belief and then investigating is merely self-fulfillment. You will see what you tell yourself to see.
Today's bible verse: 1 Thessalonians 5:21 "Test everything. Hold on to the good." There is some wisdom in that book.
Do you really believe?
Here is an interactive question. Imagine you have contracted a deadly disease. There is a cure, maybe an antibiotic, that will heal you. Do you take it, or do you pray and trust that if god wants you sick you will remain sick, and he will heal you if that is his plan? Is medicine circumventing god's will in your life? Before you answer that Luke, a friend of Jesus was a doctor, keep in mind that Luke never prescribed antibiotics. Also keep in mind that Jesus was close to prostitutes as well. That doesn't make prostitution right does it?
Here is something easier for you. You have a cold. Would you rather have someone pray for you, or would you rather have the cold medicine? The bible says you can trample snakes, yet you fear snakes. The bible says you will have bliss after you die, yet you fear death. There are those who really do believe though, they are called martyrs. Many Muslims truly have faith. Faith is the evidence of things unseen; remember? If that is the case, maybe the Muslims are right.
I would like to present a challenge. It is the one the prophet Elijah presented to the people to prove which god is more powerful. God enjoys the smell of burning things. He says so many times in the bible. Elijah knew this and used it to his advantage. Two altars were set up, both with wood and a bull placed upon them. Elijah bet that his god would send fire down from heaven and light his sacrifice and the god Baal would not be able to do so. He knew god would do this to prove to the people that he had all the power.
Any of you who believe your god can do this I challenge you. Can your god do this? Let me use the taunts that Elijah used: "Shout louder.... maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened."
So I bought a modem for my new apartment. I ordered it from New York. I am not in New York and it took nearly two weeks to get here. I finally get the thing set up after fighting with my cable company. (My former cable company never made me jump through so many hoops) I use the modem for about two weeks and it dies. By the time I trouble shoot it and find out it is indeed the modem, then get around to sending it back, it is day 31 of the 30 day warranty. The store will not take it back. I leave messages for Netgear, the modem manufacturer, and they refuse to get back to me. Netgear has pissed me off. I should have bought a Motorola in the first place. Just some advice for all of you. I have stacks of old computer parts. Most are too old to donate to anyone, but I hate throwing away a good motherboard. Such is life.
Well I am off to go see if my altar has been set ablaze yet by my god. Not sure who my god is, I guess whoever sets this thing on fire. I'll let you know when it happens. I have my marshmallows ready. Hey, put down that lighting rod! Cheaters.
Churches with lightning rods are showing a lack of faith
Posted at 10:14 pm by elvenSarah
Saturday, September 25, 2004
ElvenSarah reaches 6666; numerologist has spontaneous orgasm
1. Horny Christian teens find way to date heathen guys
Dating to Save People from Hell is one of the funniest sites I have seen all day. Anyone can be a missionary!
"Jesus told us to reach the "outermost parts of the world." I mean, I'm not going to fly to Kenya and date some guy who eats worms, but I think for me, "outermost parts of the world" means all the hot guys that live around me here in Fremont, California."
This has got to be satire; at least I hope it is. If not then it is probably the saddest thing I have seen all day.
2. Jaw dropping feat of medical science
Scientists in Germany grew a new jaw for a man who had his removed due to cancer. This was possible through the use of stem cells, meaning that here in the US, we cannot complete such a procedure. Just to be clear, no babies where hurt harvesting the stem cells; they came from the patientís own body. Modern luddites, also known as the religious right, have associated stem cells with horrible pictures of baby harvests. That is just not the case. Read the story here.
3. Science lessons from the bible
How to make a sheep striped (Genesis 30:25-43)
In todayís lessons from the bible, we learn how to make polka-dot wool. The secret, according to ancient wisdom, is to have your sheep look at stripes while they mate. If they do this, their offspring will have stripes! So that explains it. So many great things in this book.
While you are reading this chapter you may also notice verse 27 says you can use divination to see if God loves you and is going to make you rich. For those of you unfamiliar with divination, this is the practice of reading anything from palms, tea leaves, animal entrails, etc. Now go at it!
Flat Earth Society
Apparently the world is flat and if you say differently then you are ignoring the evidence otherwise. This ancient wisdom is taken from the prophet Daniel 4:11 "The tree grew large and strong and its top touched the sky; it was visible to the ends of the earth.Ē Oh come on Sarah the Elven, that is obviously an analogy. Exactly, it is an analogy that only works with a flat earth! Why is god passing on information to humans that makes them believe the earth is flat? Shouldnít god use an analogy that actually supports the truth? Later we have Satan showing Jesus all the kindoms of the world, from a really tall mountain. Another analogy? Is anything in this book actually a true story?
http://members.aol.com/jalw/flat_earth.html (Many additional pages of interest on this site. Iím happy to say I have actually met this man)
4. Porn Star or My Little Pony?
What were the creators of MLP thinking? Take a break from that heavy reading and researching and read this page. Also some more humorous t-shirts.
5. You too can work at the Elven Factory!
I worked until 2 am Friday. We need more employees and the big bosses know that. If you are looking for a job, this is your shot. We are hiring computer test engineers for our Quality Assurance Lab. Here are the qualifications:
Must have at least a four year degree in closely related field
Must have thorough knowledge of computers
Must not be an asshole.
No exceptions. Send me your resume if you are interested.
6. Iím healed!
Oh, was I ever sick last week. I was reading a blog by a guy with a sinus infection and I caught it. Must be more careful out there. Anyway I prayed to my pet rock and I am now feeling great! Pet rock never lets me down. Every time I have been sick I have gotten over it thanks to pet rock. I pray to pet rock before I go on car trips and just look, I have never died in a car accident thanks to pet rock. I have never died at all! Pet rock always answers all my prayers with yes, no, or later. Sometimes pet rock says no, but I am fine with that, since pet rock obviously knows best. I have always come through with its wisdom. Where would I be without my pet rock? Why would you deny the power of pet rock, you big meany!
7! 7! Oh god 7!
Wealthy King has orgy with 1000 woman. A wealthy Mediterranean king has completed a search for 1000 of the most attractive women in the world. The women will be part of his permanent harem that will ensure all his sexual needs are met. In return, the women will be allowed to live in his palace free of rent. The entire group is also a big fan of giant penis poles. One author, who calls himself ďGodĒ, claims this king is the wisest man to EVER live. Read more at 1 Kings 11:1-3.
Was it good for you?
Posted at 10:08 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Loosing my Family (Matthew 10:34)
My family visited last weekend. It may be the last time I EVER see them on good terms. You see, there is this book that was written long ago. I read it and realized it was fiction. They, on the other hand, are part of a cult that is based on a particular interpretation of the book. There are many of these groups, each believing they are the one reading the book correctly. The one thing all the groups have in common is a belief that any other book that does not call their book perfect, is out to destroy the world. Well, the book is not perfect.
Imagine the worst thing you could tell your family; something so bad that they will be horrified. They will scream, cry, be ashamed of you. The absolute worst thing I can tell my family is that I am no longer a christian. So why tell them you ask? Because I do not want to live a lie for the rest of their lives. I do not want to continue to promote what I believe to be morally reprehensible. In a family that is this fanatical, they know about your religious involvement. They ask where I am going to church. They ask about my walk with God. They ask about my point of view on subjects and want me to nod in agreement when they talk about the superiority of their religion. I cannot continue to go to church every week, clapping my hands at the charlatan on stage, and spending my time and money on something I do not believe in. It is killing me, but leaving will kill the relationship with my family and many of my friends. It may also kill my mother. It should not come down to this. Oh how it angers me that our religious society has set up this trap for my family. It will be absolutely terrible, but maybe I can pull a few persons to reason through it all. With such a great cost it is not wonder more people do not leave this institution. It is my hope that the next generation does not have to endure this crime against humanity. Fanaticism kills.
Ugh, Politics: A perspective from a fed up layman
I watched part of the republican convention and after vomiting up my stomach I asked myself, "Why do we need a president anyway". Having one person (man) in charge of an entire nation and being the mouthpiece for everyone seems absurd. Why not have a more complete representation of the populous? Any idea that cannot be decided by a national vote, should be decided by vote of an elected body. We already have this in place with congress, and it does offer more balance than the office of president. One nut jub gets elected and it can really fuck up the nation and world. One nut job out of 100 has less power. Of course I also have problems with our congress, but that is for another discussion.
Our system needs much reform. It has evolved greatly since 1776. One thing we must change is the way we nominate and elect individuals and the party system. We must elect our officials on a national level. One vote should be worth the same no matter what state you live in. The electoral college system was meant to protect us from the dumb populous but it does no such thing. In fact if it did, then why the hell would we vote anyway? I have ranted on that before so let's move to finance reform. (Remember, I wanted to get actual information on candidates such as voting records, written declarations on where they stand, etc instead of just a simple Dem/Rep)
Finance reform ideas: 1. All donations should be anonymous to the recipient. That way not one can be bought. Our leaders can not be puppets to the rich. Strict penalties must be in place for any candidate who willfully attempts to find who is supporting him/her. (Damn I hate gender-based pronouns) It should also be illegal for anyone to notify an official that they have donated money. 2. Money not specifically raised for a campaign should not be given to a party. That means the stock I purchase in a company should not be going to support a party. If the people who profit from that stock or corporation wish to donate then that is fine. Individuals should be the only entity that can vote and support a candidate. 3. A cap on campaign spending must be in place. It should not be a competition on who can dump the most money into advertising.
Lil Ms Drama dug up some hilarious bumper stickers. I've had a few ideas for my own as well so I started a cafe press account and will add some when I get time and get paintshop installed on my machine again. I don't want to try to design something with M$ paint. One of the ideas I had for a shirt will be a bit esoteric. The nerds may like it though: RAID 1 SAVES
On a completely unrelated TMI note
Why does the end of summer make me so horny! I'm crawling out of my skin here. Geez.
Erotica of the week:
Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. - Ezekiel 23
Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.
Song of Solomon 7
A loving doe, a graceful deer-
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
This week's memory Verse:
"If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it." (Malachi 2:2-3)
Current Music: Delerium Featuring Sarah McLachlan: Silence
Let's hear from you
Posted at 07:30 pm by elvenSarah
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Doctor: There is no pulse. Charge the defibrillator!
Sarah Violently fills her lungs with any air unfortunate enough to be near her, looks up with a wry smile on her face and exclaims, "I'm back!".
Dear Winston, thank you for the beautiful gift
The author of The Misapplied Criminal Mind
has heard my cries and took it upon himself to correct the situation. No, he didn't tape my mouth shut. He made a linky banner for me! Feel free to use it.
Thank God for Air Conditioning!
God announced today in a press release that he has invented air conditioning. Reversing an earlier statement proclaiming everything good, God accepted responsibility for the scorching summer heat. "I realized that this was my bad, and I needed to do something about it, so I set off to find a way to bring cool air to my beloved pets. A short four thousand years later I thought up air conditioning. Well, actually I thought it up some time ago, but got sidetracked on releasing it. Again my bad."
A reporter from ElvenSarah tried to ask God why he didn't just change the climate, but was only able to get his answering machine.
The Gallery of God
(Soon to be HTMLized on its own page. [crosses fingers])
God in an undated campaign photo
God: Halloween, 1987
God Visits Asia (It had been a while)
God Guest starred in the Movie The Ten Commandments. This is an outtake from when the director was telling him how to stand.
Every December, God gets festive and dresses up like Santa. He enjoys the irony.
God Circa 1840
How the Heck did they do that? No matter, let's see how they like SARS.
God chats it up with the tribulation clan men, confirming that we are indeed in the end times.
Young God in his Lab
God reenacts 2 kings 2: 23-24 with the Mcmorris kids.
Wow, I have been busy folks. I was thinking about creating a blog called "The Corporate Life" after all the crazy things that have happened to me in the last two months, thanks to my job, but I need to work on updating this one first. :) Hope to have a real entry soon! Thanks for reading.
Current food: Cheerios with organic milk and Naked Juice: Superfood Green Machine
(It's my veggies)
Posted at 09:24 pm by elvenSarah
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Wow. I have moved twice this past week. Learning all the new procedures and scripts at work has been two jobs and I am still looking for a permanent apartment to move into next month. Well enough of my excuses as to why I haven't posted. I'm sitting on the floor with my computer (no desk and I am using a short phone cable. Yes, phone. I only have dial up right now) but I am ready for a quickie post!
Have you too many quizzes in your blog?
Sucks more than a black hole. It is filled with trite, inane quizzes and material that was rejected from an e-mail chain letter. Most people expect to read "Pass this on to at least ten friends or you will have to read this blog again" after the end of your posts.
Now that I have that off my chest
Time for something completely different
Shower curtains suck. There. I said it.
Today's bible memory verse
First Corinthians 14:34-35 "As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church."
Today's Quote from Sarah
Fuck Tradition! Do what is best.
If you are made from a perfect being, then you are perfect. If you are made from nature, then you are natural.
Today's interesting porn site of the day
Church Upskirt pics Yes, you read that correctly.
Have fun out there people!
Current Music: Orbital and A Perfect Circle: Judith
Posted at 09:44 pm by elvenSarah
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
ElvenSarah: As seen on the Net
No, not that Net movie that made the Internet look like an evil, magical super computer that slinks into your home through your phoneline. I've been featured on the aptly named Guysfeaturedblogs site! Those guys are really tough on layout, and I got some points knocked off for that, but still managed to get 3.5 stars. Check out the review:
I need a banner for this site. All the cool kids have one; Xaos, Monica, Winston, Angela. "Oh, look at us! We have site banners, we are sooo cool!" One day I will have a site banner, and I will get to play with the cool kids. You will see. You will all love me then!
Satan has blessed me
I got the job I mentioned in the previous post. My mother told me that bible-god has blessed me with such a great job. I'm glad I finally found the secret action to get God to do so. You just have to leave christianity and rant about how foolish it is. Apparently god is not a fan of christianity. Here is one that should make me the winner of a small lottery. Christians are embarrassing. They are like grown adults who believe Santa Clause is real. They go around asking everyone else when they will stop hating Santa Clause and just believe. One day they come in to work with a book about Santa Clause as proof that he is real and loves everyone. They tell everyone they would be much happier if they just believed and can't understand why everyone would risk loosing all those presents come Decemberween. Christianity would be funny, except these people vote and create laws to appease Santa Clause. In 1954 they add Santa Clause to our money and edit our pledge to include a reference to everyone's favorite guy, Santa. When do the Buddhists or Muslims get to add their favorite guy to our money or force our children to pledge to him? No, that would be wrong.
Humans are just at the beginning of civilization. We are still afraid of the lightning in the sky and trying to appease the gods to make our crops grow. How can we have a society of research and advancement in such an environment? It is my great hope that in 100 years, the largest religion will be Deism or some other humanistic religion. The work of the gods is smaller than in the days when they made it rain and caused illness, but we are still not free of our superstition. Thanks to the internet though I believe many people now have an outlet to finally question our fear and predominant rituals of the last several thousand years.
To Be Continued ....
I have so much to rant about and so many thoughts sitting in my head. This was just a very quick update on some things I wanted to add. I wish I had the time to post everyday. It still would not be enough to get everything out. This week I have to finish projects at my old job, move 400 miles, find a new apartment, find a car, change over all my financial records, and start my new job on monday. Good thing I have Satan on my side!
Posted at 11:26 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Woman gives birth to 200 pound golden statue
Lyndie England was Framed!
Lyndie and I are good friends so I want to tell her story. First some shots of us together. Here we are together in the mountains near the Swedish ESO 15-m Submillimeter Telescope (SEST). I persuaded her to take the trip up there and we had a great time. This picture shows her giving thumbs up to her friend.
Here we are at a wedding for our buddy. Did we ever get drunk that night!
If you look closely you can see Lyndi giving the thumbs up to Nicole Kidman on her Oscar.
As you can see, she is a great person, and she was used. You need to understand, Lyndie has a habit of pointing. It is her thing; her trademark. The U.S. Army knew this and used her to take the fall. Lyndie doesnít just point out things she likes, she also points out things that are morally wrong. She has strong character like that and tracks down things like a bloodhound. In her photo with the prisoners so was actually telling the camera that this is what is wrong! She was pleading for the world to make it stop! Why are we not going after the people who order this kind of thing instead of the grunts?
The big heart that Lyndie has, she continues on in her work and has given this site an award for pointing out the evils that must be corrected. I am honoured to receive the 2004 award for Pointing Out Stupid Things Everyone is Doing (Posted). Thanks again Lyndie. It is unfortunate that your excellent work is tainted with abuse and molestation charges; the very thing you have fought to stop.
Gene mutation makes tot super strong
Does anyone remember Bam! Bam! From the Flintstones? He was a super strong kid who could pick up his parents. Well it seems a genetic mutation has created a real life Bam Bam. This is a very interesting occurrence in the field of genetics. I canít wait to see what is learned from this. Of course it is also a great study of modern evolution. Hopefully it is something that can be passed on to humans and keeps us very healthy.
Woman Arrested for Having Consensual Oral Sex
Oral sex is illegal in Virginia and is a felony. Apparently it is a crime against nature. Why is dumping poisonous chemicals into the environment legal, but making your partner feel good is a crime against nature? She was going to fight the charge, but it could have cost her five years in prison. Oh the laws in this country. Some of these stupid laws can even get you listed as a sexual predator, a status that is sure to ruin your life. Read this to get more of the insanity.
I have an interview next week and I am already nervous. I needed a job that was a bit more steady than the consulting business and something that provided benefits such as medical insurance. Maybe a set schedule will help me be more disciplined with my time and get more work done on my site. If I get this job it will be, by far, the best job I have ever had. The problem is I get so nervous during interviews and my brain locks. Times like these I still find myself in the old habit of praying. Heck, I would throw salt over my shoulder if it worked. Unfortunately those are all stupid superstitions. I just canít let my low self-esteem get to me during the interview. I must show them what Iíve got. Iíll be staying up all night tonight to try to reset my sleep schedule so I can get up at 6 am next week. I usually go to bed around that time. This is going to be some week.
P.S. Congrats to Blogdrive for adding space to upload media, even though it only seems to be about 100k. Now I just need to figure out how to add permalinks.
Current Music: Eminem: Lose Yourself
Posted at 04:07 am by elvenSarah
Thursday, June 24, 2004
ElvenSarah: Because philosophy tastes better in a sippy cup
What? A new entry? Fabtabulous!
Sorry for the delayitude. This week has been the crazy. Iím building a server for a company on a budget reminiscent of a seven year old child and of course they need it ASAP. Finding parts for a server in my farm town is about as easy as finding tractor parts in a deli in New York. That will probably be their next request. Last week I had to break into our own server since no one knew the password. I know you are all asking, why not buy the parts online? Well, their mommy wonít let them use the credit card.
Hope you are all enjoying the second half of summer and some of the longest days of the year. (Offer only good in northern hemisphere. Actual daylight may vary. ďLongest dayĒ does not imply actual addition of hours to day. ElvenSarah is not responsible for missed tans, scheduling conflicts, or dropping hot coffee on your crotch due to darkness. Consult local almanac for sunset and sunrise. ElvenSarah does not necessarily agree with any hidden terrorist message in almanacs.) Summer Solstice brings up a point I want to discuss; stupid lying scientists. So called ďscientistsĒ claim that the change in distance between a planet and the sun causes a direct change in temperature. We can take this further and get the reason summer is hotter than winter; the part of the earth tilted toward the sun is closer to the rays. This is completely wrong. Look at this depiction:
Now, the earth is 93 million miles away from the sun. Do you really think a couple hundred miles closer is going to add that much heat? No, of course not. The sun gets much closer to the earth when it descends below us to the underworld each night and when it rises again each morning. All true scientists have debunked the distance-heat theory and understand that this really is a miracle that goes against physics. Summer is warm because god predicted it would be in the bible. (Genesis 1:14, Ecclesiastes 3:1) Psalm 104:19 ĒThe moon marks off the seasons, and the sun knows when to go down.Ē Case closed.
If scientists are this far off about summer, you know they are wrong on the evilution crap. Things changing? That's absurd! Now I have no idea what an allele is, but I know evilution is wrong. All scientists do too, but they just don't won't to admit the bible is always correct.
If you donít understand it, Jesus did it
Why do people who have an injured back take pain medication, then thank Jesus for healing them when the pain goes away? I see this all the time. Oh, you survived the accident and came back to life after dying, thank Jesus. No thanks to the paramedic who did CPR on the patient until she recovered. If Christians really believed, there would be no doctors. If bible deity wants you healed and out of pain, then why not ask him? Jesus said "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done
for you by my Father in heaven.Ē Matt 18:19, et. al. Do you not believe the words of your saviour? Where is your faith now? If god didnít heal you, then maybe he wants you sick. ď2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.Ē (James 1:2) I say that any Christian who goes to the doctor is circumventing the plan god has for their lives and calling god ineffective, thus blaspheming the power of god. Blasphemy is not forgivable, (Mark 3:29) meaning anyone who has gone to the doctor is going to hell.
Mines bigger than your's:
What makes you sure Christianity is the true religion? There are religions older than Christianity (and Judaism). There are religions just as big. There are religions with saviours who died to save humanity. There are religions with miracles. There are religions with people who believe they have a relationship with god and speak with it everyday. When you researched Christianity, reading the entire book before becoming a Christian, and reading all the alternatives, how did you decide on Christianity? No need to answer. I already know, but I think you need to ponder it.
I cast level 32 exorcism on you!
Why are Christians so afraid of the game Dungeons and Dragons? The cover story is that games such as ouija boards and role playing games cause little monsters to get inside you if you play too long. (BTW ouija is oiu, yes in French, and ja, yes in german, and was created by Parker Brothers, the maker of Monopoly) The real reason Christianity is afraid of DnD is because they know the game is much more fun than the game of Christianity. Sure the bible has spirits, ghosts, walking skeleton armies, zombies, fortune tellers, talking animals, witches, unicorns, fire breathing dragons, giants, half human-half angels, giant sea monsters, death riding a horse, spells, curses, polymorphism, and more (Seriously all those things are in the bible. I can give verses if asked), but it is so boring. Even with all that stuff. Have you ever read Leviticus or Numbers? DnD is a much better role playing game than Christianity. Both have people that canít live in the real world and think they have magical powers, but at least one of the groups doesnít pass laws on what they read in DnD books.
Eating Broccoli made illegal through Constitutional Amendment
Eating broccoli is disgusting! It makes me want to vomit. Eating broccoli in the privacy of your own home should be illegal and those doing it should not have the rights of other citizens. We must amend the constitution to insure this disgusting, vile act does not become a right! Oh and if you know your bible, you know that god hates shrimp
and god hates cheeseburgers as well. We must picket outside Long John Silvers! Those shrimp eaters have already taken a porn name for their restaurant! What more proof do we need? Damn you skeptics!
Sweet Daisy Dukes
Internationally known intellectual, Jessica Simpson, is slated to play Daisy Duke in the 2005 movie Dukes of Hazzard. Britney Spears seems to be the second choice. DoH was originally an early 1980ís television program showing the charming side of being a confederate racists. I know, all of you from the American south are yelling that the confederate flag, displayed prominently in the show does not equal racism. Well the swastika was around long before Hitler, but no one in their right mind is going to have the hero of the show have a swastika on their shirt. Letís hope the movie keeps it out this time, to the aversion of the real fans I am sure.
Now that Iíve got you all hot and bothered thinking about a short, tight pair of Daisy Dukes, check out La Libertine
, the new sex blog a friend of mine is starting. I think it is going to be very interesting.
Now serving number nine
This is so cool, I am number 9 under the google listing when you search for Elven! I plan to be number one by next week. :)
Thanks for reading. Have a great day and remember to drive safe, not slow. Stay tuned for my next entry as I present the award this blog has won.
Posted at 10:00 pm by elvenSarah
Sunday, June 13, 2004
the celibate entry (it's a real brain-fuck)
Wow, this is a long entry. Take two days to read it.
I spoke with my writers this week and told them that the last episode of Elven Sarah (or is it ElvenSarah?) had far too much sexual content. No one enjoys sex so we need to avoid that kind of thing. I knew I shouldnít have hired those guys from playboy magazine. The intent of this journal is to provide the latest intelligence on what is really happening in the world, not which daytime celebrity got drunk and snogged at an awards show. They promised this edition will only contain thought inducing philosophical content and hard hitting news. Hopefully, we have a titillating expose for your brain organ. So, without further delay, I present the sexless entry.
So thatís why my brain not work
The internet is a plot by aliens from space to make humans sterile and I have proof. You heard me. (Well, you heard me if you have a voice in your head while you read) For those that still donít trust me, here is the link. Fire retardants classified as PDBEs can have detrimental effects on humans such as reproductive disorders and can come in contact with humans through the dust on computers. Several news sources have reported this story, yet most failed to see the bigger picture and understand WHY this dust is there. Where does dust come from? Well if you have done any research, you know that 1000 real tons (not those over-bloated socialists metric tons) of dust fall to earth every year! Obviously all those UFO sightings are aliens dumping this stuff in our atmosphere. (Search for Ďmysterious contrailsí on google. I dare you)
The aliens introduce the internet to earth, then dump this dust that has a two part attack. The first chemical compound in the dust causes us to become addicted to the internet, or more specifically, the flickering of your monitor and the whir of the fans. Everyone is addicted to the internet and loosing a desire for real sex, opting instead for cybersex, which of course creates no new offspring. This lack of real sex is worsened by the lies the aliens spread of the sexual diseases and the need to use condoms. The aliens contraindicate real sex, then make simulated sex hip and fun. Itís all falling into place people! Look at reproductive rates for nations with high internet use verses nations with little internet use. You will clearly see a much higher birth rate in nations that have yet been able to construct the alien network. If this continues, the unfortunate survivors will be forced to pay less than the current rate of 10 million dollars for a house on the beach in California.
It doesnít stop there though folks. While we are not having sex and sitting in front of the computer, their anti-human dust is collecting on the computers and mixing with the chemicals to cause us to be sterile. Anyone who does manage to have real sex without a condom, an accident for sure, will still not produce offspring. We are all doomed folks!
Letís think about this. I spend 24 hours a day by a computer. (That is 100 hours a day for those of you on the metric system. Or is it 1000 hours a day. I hate converting between proper measuring units and that flowery, hippy-loving, pansy peace promoting metric system. Those of us in America are the last to stand against that communist French-backed system. Iíll tell you all about that in a future edition.) So I spend 18 hours a day typing on this thing, and the rest of the day sleeping next to it. Guess I am not having any children. Maybe others can save themselves before it is too late. Good luck.
Oh, one more side effect is neurological disorders and possible paranoia leading to beliefs in grand scale conspiracies. Fortunately I havenít experienced any of that yet.
Iíve discovered a free source of energy. Have you ever noticed that when you throw a pile of cords or wires in a box, such as those on headphones, (By the way, have you ever put headphones on a dog? Good times.) that when you pull them out of the box they are somehow all tangled in a way that causes you to twist, unwind, and untie an amazingly intricate knot? How are those cords moving around so much to do this? Whatever the case, we can use it as free energy! Those of you who know a bit about physics know of induction. Iím not one of those people, but I understand these moving wires, that are moving without us adding energy, can create electricity by induction. All we have to do is create a giant ball of wires, throw it in a giant box in a giant closet, turn off the light, and presto, free electricity! Iím coming up with an even bigger scale project using the movement of the earth and itís electromagnetic field to power a giant super weapon capable of destroying that big bully Jupiter. (Donít even get me started on that guy) Stay tuned for that.
I have pages of inventions I have come up with. Healthy fast food place, LCD windows that tint and display pictures by pushing a button, all kinds of fun stuff. Iíll write down a great idea on a piece of paper and throw it in a desk drawer. I have no idea what most of the notes mean anymore. What the heck is a partially hydrogenised transmogrifier? Well one of my inventions is very important to me. Iíve been eating a lot of fiber lately and spending some quality time in the bathroom, and let me tell you, the crapper doesnít work worth crap.
Toilets need to be improved. They waste a lot of water, and they get clogged far to easy. Why has this ubiquitous device not gotten any attention from engineers? Here is some help for those of you in the industry: Multimode toilets.
Most of the time when the toilet is used, it is for urination. Why must we fill the toilet with a bowl full of water to urinate? There should be two levers. One to fill the toilet, and one to flush. When urinating you don't fill the bowl, only flush afterwards. Now when you need a little water to drop your plop and reduce smell and such, you fill the toilet first. Also it would be nice if the user could decide how much water to fill, up to a limit. The length of the flush should also depend on how long the lever is held, as urine does not need a giant flush.
While Iím in the bathroom, I would like a clamshell shaped covering behind the sink. This blocks water from splashing on the mirror when people wash their hands and brush their teeth. Mkay? While Iím driving to the bathroom (I donít use my own bathroom or else I would have to clean it) I want a mirror in my car that has concave sides so I can see cars in my blind spot. Why is a blind spot acceptable in a car when it is so easily correctable? I wonít even get started on our modern day transportation system. What a joke.
While looking for minions to build my creations and bring all the money to me, I found the site halfbakery. Sorry, it is not a donut store, but a place to share invention ideas. Most suck, but a few are very inspiring and some, like the one I have included below, are hilarious.
ďI am sure that, with a little thought, the genetics chaps could come up with some scheme which would enable people to grow the tail of their choice, fully functional.
This would be a fascinating cultural phenomenon. A tail could be an additional emotional indicator, as well as (if of the prehensile variety) a useful third hand, for holding umbrellas and the like.
Whole new sections of the clothing, hairdressing and pornography industries would come into being. Religious fanatics would grow tails, solely for the purpose of being ashamed of them and tucking them away in the trousers. Tyrannical regimes would gleefully lop off their subjects tails for minor transgressions.Ē
Speaking of things religious groups tell us to be ashamed of, the latest craze for the crazed is Shrek 2. The Traditional Values Coalition (And who doesnít love those traditional values like slavery, stoning, and second class women) claims that Shrek 2 furthers the ďtransgender agendaĒ. The interviewer should have asked him how he feels about divorce. Seems being gay is a terrible sin but a pastor can be divorced (living in sin) and still be a pastor, but a gay pastor, no way. Listen to what jesus says about it ďBut I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.Ē (Matthew 5:32, et al) Divorce rates in America for Christians is around 50 percent, yet you never hear anyone warning them about getting remarried or refusing to marry them. Thanks to Miss Lefey for the link. We seem to be trading a lot of them. J
Iím cutting this thing here folks. Itís getting too long. See you all next time and thanks for reading.
Garbage: I think Iím paranoid
Posted at 01:05 am by elvenSarah