God faces renewed "flip-flopping" attacks
This "God" fellow has always seemed shifty to me. Winace has uncovered more policy changes and lies by the icon with multiple personality disorder
Washington, D.C. - Satan, running for re-election as "Prince of this world" (John 14:30), again accused his Democratic opponent Jesus H. Christ of being "Lord of the flip-flops" Thursday.
On the campaign trail, the fallen angel met with legions of fawning Republican supporters. Always a master at public oration, the ancient menace described Jesus--and His running mate, God the Elder--as "out of touch with reality and the people." The Devil continued, running through a laundry list of Biblical contradictions and changes in official positions on the part of the two gods.
"Just look at Their campaign manifesto," declared the incumbent supreme ruler of Earth. "Have you folks even seen more position changes in one tome? I mean, first He, first this bozo wants to create a planet, then He regrets it and wants to destroy it?! You just can't excuse this, like changing your tie after looking in the mirror. This is people's lives we're dealing with, for His sakes!"
Dick Chemosh, the Devil's running mate, hammered home his leader's arguments with an otherworldly charm that stunned even long-time Democrats. "I've advised Dark Lords from Sauron to Satan, and let me be honest for a change: the last time I saw such inconsistency on a politician's part, I was pretending to be patron god of the Moabites. It doesn't end with the Flood. Are Kosher laws a good idea, or aren't they? Is salvation by faith alone (Romans 3:28), or is faith dead without works (James 2:17)? It just goes on and on!"
Among other examples cited by Satan's campaign, alleged inconsistencies on number and location of post-resurrection witnesses (Matthew 28:16, Galilee, vs. all the other gospels, Jerusalem); whether God does (Isaiah 14:21) or doesn't (Deuteronomy 24:16) support capital punishment of descendents for their parents' sins; "The Lord is... not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9) vs. "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned" (2 Thessalonians 2:11-12); the differing accounts of creation in Genesis 1 and 2; and hundreds of other "flip-flops."
Fundamentalist Christians immediately logged on the Internet, drawing on centuries of apologetics to explain every single one of these Scriptural anomalies. More moderate believers were unimpressed, and simply denied Satan was attacking Jesus' official campaign manifesto, rejecting Biblical inerrancy and arguing for a variety of more nuanced interpretations.
"This is all very amusing," the Devil roared at his supporters. "Perhaps my opponent--and his followers--just can't keep a story straight... but then, why would you trust Him to rule in my stead?" Vice Prince Chemosh scoffed at the explanations, calling Christian efforts "clever but ultimately unconvincing rationalizations by those committed to believe at any cost." He grinned slyly as he added that, "for an omnipotent being, an unusual number of God's plans--like the global cleansing of evil via deluge--have been thwarted." He argued, and cited his own campaign to prove his point, that God's leadership in the War on Rebellion would be incompetent, exposing us to supernatural attack from other dimensions.
Scandalous revelations surfaced Tuesday when LordCo Centre WaterMocassins, shoes that inflate and allow the wearer to walk on water, were photographed in the closet of Jesus' Democratic Party Headquarters. Satan immediately went on the attack, hinting that the Messiah staged his most famous miracle.
Expert opinion on their authenticity was divided; Democratic analysts took issue with "the fact WaterMocassins were only invented in August 2004," but Republicans retorted time travel would be easy for God. St. Peter, campaign spokesman for the Messiah, vigorously denied the fraud charges, accusing Satan of "[an] embarrassing Photoshop job" on what he called "obviously doctored pictures." Chemosh joked "Well lookie here, He even wears flip-flops!"
Analysts agree that Christ's campaign, already suffering in the polls from prior accusations of dishonesty, can hardly afford to ignore these claims. This controversy comes on the heels of a now-infamous TV ad produced by a group calling itself "Shifty Gnostic Heretics for Truth." The ad, produced by a non-mainstream Christian sect from the same continent and millenium as Jesus, claims that contrary to His assertions, He never served as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, but was a bastardized and sociopathic creation of an entity that did. The Shifty Gnostics accuse Jesus Christ--and his alterego, YHWH--of being the illegitimate offspring of the real God and his often overlooked consort, Sophia.
Reaction across the mainstream Christian world was decidedly negative. Pope John Paul II, Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I (spiritual leader of the world's Orthodox Christians), Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and a bunch of nutcases no one cares about like Jerry Falwell issued a press release. They condemned the ad, calling it "One of the reasons we regret the Inquisition ever ended." They objected that none of the Shifty Gnostics, or their ancient leaders, were even in contact with Jesus during his earthly ministry. Even Muslims joined in the fray, issuing a Fatwa against Satan, who is suspected of helping orchestrate and/or financing the Gnostic attack. The ancient deceiver laughed off their solemn condemnation, saying "What are they gonna do, blow up a spirit?"
Jesus himself vehemently denied the ad's accusations, saying that His birth records--had they survived Jerusalem's destruction at the hands of the Romans in 70 AD--would put to rest all doubts about His ancestry. Representatives of the mysterious Gnostics were skeptical, and considered that "too convenient an excuse."
Push, known for granting graphical gifts to the weary blogdrive user, has made a blinkie for me! Feel free to use it. Thanks Push!
Excuses, Spies, and Election advice from abroad
Some information came my way that hinted at family members stumbling across my blog. That is why I was holding off posting for a while. I decided what was done was done and was all ready to post more, and then my company calls me to do some work outside the US. My travels where unexpected and will keep me from voting on Tuesday. Do me a favor and vote for your favorite candidate who is not a religious fanatic. Religious wars should not be the hallmark of humanity.
"I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol." -General Boykin
October 31, 2004 07:11 PM PST
LOL! LOVE the post!
Too bad you won't be in the country to vote. We could really use you!
|Saphfire Storm |
November 3, 2004 09:02 PM PST
LMAO!!! And ...um... nice picture...
|louis vuitton outlet |
December 13, 2010 05:27 PM PST
Pas le monde que lĄŻamiti¨Ś un avenir meilleur, plus agr¨Śables, par quelque moyen que ce soit; LĄŻamiti¨Ś nĄŻest pas perdu, comme on a vu le soleil.
|Nike Air Jordan Chaussures |
April 22, 2012 09:17 AM PDT
Christmas is probably the most special day of the year for children. One thing that makes it special is the popular tradition of Santa Claus. ,105440,http://elvensarah.blogdrive.com/archive/34.html
|Designer Louis Vuitton |
May 17, 2012 04:10 AM PDT
Many smart senior people (un-named because their companies are involved in this snake-oil sale) have confirmed this for me, saying "sentiment analysis software? don't bother",463541,http://elvensarah.blogdrive.com/comments?id=34
|timberland 2012 |
September 12, 2012 09:22 AM PDT
HHH Yes, the design of national policy is important, how our economic development plans for the next five years, how the implementation, how to make our economy even faster. Are designed to advance our focus to invest money in what ways it should be carefully arranged.,050934,http://elvensarah.blogdrive.com/comments?id=34
|cheap supra shoes |
September 17, 2012 02:08 PM PDT
Your write-up is fantastic. It is essentially extraordinary to me. I like it greatly and I hope to determine you additional content articles.,608889,http://elvensarah.blogdrive.com/archive/34.html
|moncler men |
September 21, 2012 12:39 AM PDT
This post is awesome,ecpecting the newest!!!LIKE IT LIKE IT LIKE IT!!!,768687,http://elvensarah.blogdrive.com/archive/34.html
|Leave a Comment:|